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Everybody's Free (To Wear Women's Underwear)

A parody of the once-good-now-insanely-irritating Baz Luhrmann 'Sunscreen' record that was out earlier this year.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '99,
Wear women's underwear.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, women's underwear would be it. The long term benefits of women's underwear are well okay, there are none. They're just much more comfortable. This and the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice,
wait for it,
now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your best friend's girl - oh buggrit; you will not understand the power and beauty of your best friend's girl until they have got married in some grim little reception office in Texas. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of her in Playboy and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much cleavage lay before you and how fabulous she really looked.

You are not as fat as you imagine. You're fatter. You big chubby bastard.

Don't care about the families of those people you killed; or care, but know that caring is as useful as trying to nail diarrhoea to the wall. The real troubles in your life are apt to be the police doing a drugs bust; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday. Or Wednesday, depending on when the market opens.

Do one thing everyday that scares you. Or at least scares someone else.

Sing. Unless you've got a crap voice, in which case shut the hell up. I'm talking to you, Boyzone.

Don't be reckless with other people's credit cards, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. If they try anything, just blackmail them. They'll soon stop.

Floss. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Oh wait, that line comes later. Sorry.

Don't waste your time on chasing pretty girls; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind the race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself. And Claire who lives down the road from you. Otherwise you'd just be strange.

Forget the compliments you give, remember the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how. I need some new material. The classic "Your mum" is getting old.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. And for God's sake, throw away those crusty boxer shorts. Seriously man, they're gross.

Stretch. Even if it means having to rip someone limb from limb.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know who you want to marry the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 who they wanted to marry, some of the most interesting 40 year olds know still don't. Although they all seem to have been divorced several times.

Get plenty of calcium. It's a new kind of drug that will be on the streets within the next 2 years. If you get a lot now you'll be set up for life.

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they've been broken by the police when you tried to shoot one of them during the aforementioned drugs bust. Don't worry though, you'll be able to sue the police department for every penny they've got, suckers.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't be able to find anyone stupid enough, maybe you'll have children, maybe you'll realise what little bastards they all really are, maybe you'll divorce 40 times, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken with that secretary you always wanted to have an affair with on your 75th wedding anniversary, while your wife lies in a corner, stoned or drunk. Or both.

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either your choices are all made by your mother and you know it. Nobody else's are. You've got problems.

Enjoy your neighbour's body, use it every way you can it'll come in particularly handy as a human shield when you're escaping from the fuzz. Don't be afraid of your own body, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own. Unless you're a fat bastard, in which case ha!

Dance. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Don't worry, nobody's going to see you. And even if they do, at least they'll have a good laugh at your expense.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them. If you pretend you know what you're doing, maybe someone will come along who's gullible enough to be impressed. But that's pretty unlikely.

Do NOT read porn magazines, they will only make you go blind.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good. And when they are, make sure you turn up for their funeral. Man, I never heard the end of that.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. And if you believe that, you're even thicker than I thought. They hate you, you hate them. Get used to it.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. More specifically, the ones stupid enough to lend you money. They're always useful.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the less hair you have. Wait, that didn't make sense. Oh well.

Live in a tent once, but leave before you get too cold; live with your best friend's girl once, but leave before he finds out and removes all your body hair, one by one.

Travel. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Wait, that line's in the wrong place again. Oops.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices of all Microsoft products will be extortionate, politicians will screw anything that gets in their way, you too will get old, and when you do you'll be fat and bald. You'll fantasise that when you were young prices were ridiculously low, politicians were celibate and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Sorry, there's something weird going on here.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out. Or run away with the milkman, whichever comes first. I tell you, if I ever get my hands on him Sorry, where was I?

Don't mess too much with your best friend's girl, or by the time you're 40, you won't be able to walk and you'll need someone to feed and clothe you.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Unless it's dull, in which case just hit them and leave. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth. In short, no useful advice ever starts with the phrase "in my day" or "when I was young" or, worse still, "in the war".

But trust me on the women's underwear. Seriously, try it one day. I'm a silk man myself.

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