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Notification Of Compulsory Enlistment

Sent:		Wednesday, January 29, 2003 10:40 PM
Subject:	Notification Of Compulsory Enlistment

	Notification Of Compulsory Enlistment

	Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act
(1978), you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on
standby for possible compulsory military service in the American Conflict.
You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where you will join
either the 3rd Battalion The Queen's Own Suicidal Conscripts or the 2nd Foot
and Mouth.  The regulars are too busy driving Green Goddesses to be there
themselves.

	Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend
us any of their liners, because of the deplorable state in which they were
returned after previous adventures in the Falklands and the Gulf, it will be
necessary for you to make your own way to the combat zone.  H.M. Government
have been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one way trips with Virgin
Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of this offer, RyanAir
also do a nice little £9.99 trip.

	Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it
will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment
as soon as possible:

*	Combat Jacket
*	Trousers (preferably khaki - but, please, no denim)
*	Tin helmet
*	Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)
*	Gas mask
*	Map of the combat zone (the Ordinance Survey :2800 Outdoor Leisure
Map of Iraq will do)
*	Rifle
*	Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)
*	Suntan oil

	If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a
tank - Vickers Defence of Leeds are currently offering all new conscripts a
0% finance deal on all X registration Chieftains, but hurry, as offer is
only available whilst stocks last.

	We would like to reassure you that in the unlikely event of anything
going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your choice,
and your next of kin will be entitled to the new War Widows pension of £1.75
per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully
repayable should our side eventually lose.  There may be little time for
formal military training before your departure and so we advise that you
hire videos of the following films and try and pick up a few tips as you
watch:

*	The Guns of Navarone
*	Kelly's Heroes
*	A Bridge too Far
*	The Longest Day
*	Apocalypse Now
*	The Matrix
*	Blazing Saddles
*	The Desert Song
*	Mary Poppins

	We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum.

	To mentally prepare yourself for your mission try reading the works
of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brookes.  This should give you some idea of what
may be involved.

	Yours faithfully,

		G Hoon,
		Ministry of Defence.


	(A Bush/Blair Production)
	Sponsored by Mars, the official snack of World War III

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