| ABBOTT: | I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson. |
| COSTELLO: | I'm ready to learn. |
| A: | Now, the first thing you must understand. is that Hebrew and English have many words which sound alike, but they do not mean the same thing. |
| C: | Sure, I understand. |
| A: | Now, don't be too quick to say that. |
| C: | How stupid do you think I am -- don't answer that. It's simple -- some words in Hebrew sound like words in English, but they don't mean the same. |
| A: | Precisely. |
| C: | We have that word in English, too. What does it mean in Hebrew? |
| A: | No, no. Precisely is an English word. |
| C: | I didn't come here to learn English, I came to learn Hebrew. So make with the Hebrew. |
| A: | Fine. Let's start with --mee.-- |
| C: | You. |
| A: | No , --mee--. |
| C: | Fine, we'll start with you. |
| A: | No, we'll start with --mee--. |
| C: | Okay, have it your way. |
| A: | Now, --mee-- is who. |
| C: | You is Abbott. |
| A: | No, no, no. --Mee-- is who. |
| C: | You is Abbott. |
| A: | You don't understand. |
| C: | I don't understand? Did you just say me is who? |
| A: | Yes I did. --Mee-- is who. |
| C: | You is Abbott. |
| A: | No, You misunderstand what I am saying. Tell me about --mee--. |
| C: | Well, you're a nice enough guy. |
| A: | No, no. Tell me about --mee--! |
| C: | Who? |
| A: | Precisely. |
| C: | Precisely what? |
| A: | Precisely who. |
| C: | It's precisely whom! |
| A: | No, --mee-- is who. |
| C: | Don't start that again -- go on to something else. |
| A: | All right. --Hu-- is he. |
| C: | Who is he? |
| A: | Yes. |
| C: | I don't know. Who is he? |
| A: | Sure you do. You just said it. |
| C: | I just said what? |
| A: | --Hu-- is he. |
| C: | Who is he? |
| A: | Precisely. |
| C: | Again with the precisely! Precisely who? |
| A: | No, precisely --hee--. |
| C: | Precisely he? Who is he? |
| A: | Precisely! |
| C: | And what about me? |
| A: | --Hu--. |
| C: | me, me, me! |
| A: | --Hu--, --hu--, --hu--! |
| C: | What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me? |
| A: | No, --hu-- is he! |
| C: | I don't know! Maybe he is me! |
| A: | No, --hee-- is she! (STARE AT ABBOTT) |
| C: | Do his parents know about this? |
| A: | About what? |
| C: | About her! |
| A: | What about her? |
| C: | That she is he! |
| A: | No, you've got it wrong.... --hee-- is she! |
| C: | Then who is he? |
| A: | Precisely! |
| C: | Who? |
| A: | He! |
| C: | Me? |
| A: | --Hu--! |
| C: | He? |
| A: | She! |
| C: | Who is she? |
| A: | No, --hu-- is he. |
| C: | I don't care who is he, I want to know who is she? |
| A: | No, that's not right. |
| C: | How can it not be right? I said it. I was standing here when I said it, and I know me. |
| A: | --Hu--. |
| C: | Who? |
| A: | Precisely! |
| C: | Me! Me is that he you are talking about! He is me! |
| A: | No, --hee-- is she! |
| C: | Wait a minute, wait a minute! I'm trying to learn a little Hebrew, and now I can't even speak English. Let me review. |
| A: | Go ahead. |
| C: | Now first you want to know me is who. |
| A: | Correct. |
| C: | And then you say who is he. |
| A: | Absolutely. |
| C: | And then you tell me he is she. |
| A&C: | Precisely! |
| C : | Now look at this logically. If me is who. And who is he. And he is she. Don't it stand to reason that me is she? |
| A: | Who? |
| C: | She! |
| A: | That is he! |
| C: | Who is he? |
| A&C: | Precisely! |
| C: | I have just about had it. You have me confused I want to go home. You know what I want? Ma! |
| A: | What. (--mah--) |
| C: | I said Ma. |
| A: | What. |
| C: | What are you, deaf? I want Ma! |
| A: | What! |
| C: | Not what, who! |
| A: | He! |
| C: | Not he! Ma is not he! |
| A: | Of course not! --Hu-- is he! |
| C: | I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. I don't care who is he, he is she, me is who, ma is what. I just want to go home now and play with my dog. |
| A: | Fish. |
| C: | Fish? |
| A: | --Dag-- is fish. |
| C: | That's all, I'm outa here. |
