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One-Liners Tommy Cooper Might Have Said

Maybe not the blesséd Tommy, but some absolutely cracking "one liners" in here...

Two prostitutes standing on a street corner. One says to the other, "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits!"

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself she came to a conclusion. The quickest and surest way would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. She shot herself in the left kneecap.

Patient : "Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me?"
Doctor : "Yes ... you're fucking crackers."

A man gets on a train and sits next to a blonde reading a book called 'Sex Statistics'.
"Any good?" he asks. "Fascinating * American Indians have the widest pricks, and Polishmen the longest. By the way, I'm Jane."
"Hi," he says. "I'm Tonto Palawlaski."

What's got 4 legs and an arm?
A happy Rottweiler !!

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver, "I want to go to Paris."
He said, "Eurostar?"
I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin."

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
He said "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot." I said, "I'll take that as a condiment".

Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?"

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint,this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".
I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets?

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?".
I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisancecaller", he said "Not you again".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Two lions walking down Oxford Street.
One turns to the other and says, "Not many people about, are there?"

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